4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
