dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
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When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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