my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
