Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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