remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
