So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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