I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
