Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
