oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
