So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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