The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
