my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
