Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
