Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
