I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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