My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
