Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
