Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
