After last night, I could never be a politician.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
