I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
