My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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