i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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