I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
