In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
