So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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