maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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