At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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