my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
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Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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