If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
