hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
