I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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