Moan for me like Helen Keller
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
