everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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