U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
