Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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