the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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