i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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