He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
