Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
