Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
