i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
