I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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