i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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