No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
