we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
