Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
