Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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