I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
