Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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