Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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