so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
vagina is talking i cant
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
