I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
