I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
