Cold hands, warm shart.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
