They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
