thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
