Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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