If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
