Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
so much tequila, so little girl.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
