My nipple is on Facebook.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
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Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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