If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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